Then You Wonder Why

***Forewarning: I'd like to start off by noting that although I aim to blog in a positive light, this particular post will point out an unpleasant experience I recently survived. There are several unappealing characteristics I've encountered in my so-called "dating" and social life that brought about this post. It is unfavorable towards immature, disrespectful, disingenuous persons.***

I enjoy making new friends, acquaintances, and anything else in between. I also enjoy keeping those newly-founded friendships because I honestly intend on building them into something greater and possibly even keeping my connections throughout my lifetime. I welcome everyone with acceptance. I try not to judge. I am passive aggressive and always ask myself if another's actions are a very good reason for me to lose my cool and flip out. For the most part, I leave things alone because I don't really know where another person is coming from. I don't know if that person is going through a rough time and this is how they handle it, or if he/she really is a douchebag. I can do this because I know that if there was a real problem, with me, we can talk it over and get over it, or we can fight it out and get over it. I'm game for either. At the end of the day, I want no problems with anyone and a healthy relationship with everyone. There is one problem; I'm not the "kit" type with personal relationships. I am constantly either focused on a task having to do with success i.e. work, food for thought, money, etc, or distracted with a quick "me time" - it's always from one extreme to the other, yes, extreme.

Unfortunately, not every person feels the same as I do when it comes to meeting someone and being just friends. Not everyone approaches a new encounter with the intent of getting to "know" someone, there is usually some kind of underlying selfish interest at the end of that union. I'm sure many people can agree when I say that it is so very unattractive when a person promotes his or herself in a certain light and after a time his/her true colors begin to reveal themselves. There are various ways in which this begins to happen. Some examples are beginning to hang out with that person either on a daily basis or more regularly than normal, moving in with that person, and dumping that person - my most disfavorable.

When I first started hanging out with this one particular person too much, and for confidential reasons let's just go with Johnny for Johnny Depp ;) - oh that sweet, sweet handsome man - I realized that I had a problem. I understood that first impressions can be deceiving and I needed to be more careful and observant in my life choices. There is so much more that I needed to start paying attention to when it came to allowing people to enter my "circle of trust". When I met Johnny I thought he seemed like a decent guy. He was attractive, nice smile, clean-cut and well-kept, respectful, and involved in his life. We exchanged numbers and started texting often, began hanging out and going out to eat together; eventually I decided I wanted to explore more. Well, when I decided that our "exploring" had reached its finale, and for good reason trust me on this, it was as if I was witnessing a real life Jekyll and Hyde syndrome exposed. I know about ego hits and I expect people to get upset and even defensive. I just did NOT see his reaction coming! He always was polite and respectful to some extent but when his true colors shone, whoa! Johnny went off on a rampage about me and my sexual reputation, which he had no knowledge of, my status in life (?), my family! I was shocked!

Thankfully I have built a strong confidence in myself that I did not allow his words to have any other effect on my state of mind other than providing me humor and a learning lesson. Had this occurred two years ago I might have actually let him hurt me. Note: if someone wants to go from an intimate relationship to just friends, that is still a good thing! Keep the door open. Why would you sabotage any future communication with that person? Johnny totally just closed the door on his own face and barricaded all windows or openings for him to ever be a part of my life in any way. A zombie wouldn't be able to find entry. Why do people put on this facade? This is how I am: Hi, nice to meet you. Want to be friends? Great! Count me in. If I want more, I will let you know. If you want more, by all means please let me know. We can settle it that very second. At least this way, everyone knows where they stand. If something happens between us, let's deal with it when it comes to. If feelings change, that's okay. Life is ever-changing. Please, I do not want to realize that the person I've been spending my valuable time with, sharing my life and emotions with, and allowed to get intimate with, was a fraud. In general, intimacy or none, if I accept you into my life, please do not pretend. I don't. I would appreciate the same courtesy.

I think many people can agree. Sometimes, you just need to cut to the chase. Stop wasting my time, more importantly, your time. Always be a gentleman or a lady. Make sure to just be real; be yourself and fight for what you want. Don't toy or use another person in order to move ahead with your desires. Karma will get to you when you least expect it. You have a life to live and at any time, any age, what you deserve will be placed at your feet.

Walking In Public

I walk almost everywhere when I go out.

Just a couple of years ago I was that girl you would pass by in halls or the street and would always look straight down to avoid eye contact. I felt like it wasn't necessary and had nothing to do with manners and/or politeness. I don't really know why but I felt like it was too intruding forcing eye contact onto another passer-byer. I won't deny the certain lack of confidence I had then either. Weirdly, I've begun to notice this same behavior in others more regularly as I walk past strangers.

Over the last year or so I've grown to accept the person I am. It was a confusing and troubling time. I didn't know what was going on nor how to react to it. I often asked myself if I was building confidence or becoming a conceited person. I'd like to think that it was the building block. I wouldn't consider myself conceited. I mean, I do often talk about myself, compliment myself, flatter myself, and well...you get the picture. All of this just recently started though. I was never the person to accept or believe in another person's positive remark towards me. I was definitely never the person who ever had a good thing to say about myself. I always told myself they were just trying to be nice and make me feel better, therefore it never worked. Now whenever someone has anything good to say about me, I know they are right and they are speaking honestly. It's still confusing though. Sometimes I feel vain. I feel like I am becoming a "mean girl" minus the mean. For instance, when I am told I am beautiful, I fully agree...to the max. I have a great smile, adorable dimples, lovely hair, beautiful eyes, a shapely body, and I must admit my personality just tops it off. Does this make me a confident person? Or would you judge me as conceited?

Well, whatever your response was, thank you. If it was positive, thank you. If it was negative, that's your opinion, but it doesn't affect me in any way. I lived most of my life unhappy with myself and if being happy with myself now makes me something bad in someone else's eyes I couldn't care less. I love my life. I love how I feel. I love how I see things. I love how I can walk down the block with my headphones on and just jam the whole way down, dancing and swaying like a crazy lady and not caring who's watching. I can be free to laugh loudly, to dance to music I've never heard in my life, to say hi with a large smile to every and any body who crosses my way and not look down. I can maintain eye contact. I walk with my head held high, my chest and chin up, and I think my booty even sticks out more; yes, that's what I said. It's crazy how I tortured myself for so long by caring. Once I was over caring, life was so much easier and so many doors opened for me.

As I was walking home today, I noticed that many people see me from a distance and stare. Men and women will just check me out for a good minute or so. Those last few feet we approach eachother, they are so quick to turn their glance. I don't know if somehow I intimidate them, or if it has nothing to do with me at all, but I can't help but remember the me from before. I've even initiated a plan to get them before they turn away. I'll just start smiling from afar and once we're about five to ten feet aways from eachother I'll either wave or say hi. I think I've made some people uncomfortable like that. Is that rude of me? Nonetheless, I am grateful that I was able to grow from that. It actually makes a difference you know? It makes a difference how you walk. It makes a difference if there's a sway to your step. It makes a difference if you're smiling, even if it is for nothing. Try it. Walk down the street and pretend that you are just awesome; do it briskly like you're on a mission, con animo! If you need that little encouragement put your headphones on and pick a playlist that just gets you in the greatest most dandiest mood of all; you know, the one you can grind to or just a good ol' hearted deep cleaning session at home. Walk as if you're a model in cognito, head held high, smile across your face so big that someone might wonder if you're listening to a really good joke on the other end of those headsets. If you're a woman move those curves don't be shy or embarrassed. People are going to check you out anyways. They are going to judge you anyways. Why not give them something good to look at, something to either praise or envy, something to either love or hate.

A little something about me...a little too much... maybe?

Hello,

My name is Lily. I have really no experience with blogging; actually, I'm not really quite sure how to go about this. I've decided that I'll just treat this like a journal, I guess. I will be turning 23 soon. I don't know what I am doing with my life, nor where I am headed...same as every other 23 year old. All I know is that I do not want to get stuck doing some average, boring, uninteresting desk job for the rest of my life. I have potential to become someone great. I also want to help people reach their own full potential so that they may live a happy life. It's important to me that everyone around me be happy. 

One thing you must know about me is that I am a passionate lover. I love my family more than anything in the world. I love my friends as if they were my family. I love so much, and because I love, I also hurt deeply. As strong as a woman I may want to believe I am, my barriers break so easily. I stand for what I believe and I will not break in that sense, but I am most vulnerable when life attacks my loved ones. My biggest weakness is my fear of the world and it's potential to hurt the people I care about so much. I get scared for everything when it comes to them. I get scared that someone can follow my sister home. I get scared that my brother might not drive home safely one day. I get scared that one day my Mom may not be around anymore to pester and annoy me with her overbearingness. For everything I am scared when it comes to my family. With my friends, I love them, but I do not fear for their immediate safety; they can handle themselves. I even feel for those I do not know. I cry for almost anything if I know that it is possible and someone involved is in pain. It sucks. Although this is the greatest weakness of mine, it is also one of my strongest qualities that drives me to help and give as much as I can.

Don't get me wrong, I am also very selfish. I can be advantageous. I can be a manipulator. I can be egotistical, a bitch, a liar, many things. I am not perfect. I live for me. It took me a long time to finally put myself first. Now that I know how to do that, there's no looking back. No more caring about what others say or think about me. No more trying to change myself for the acceptance of another who really doesn't give two cents about my own feelings and state of mind. For years I tried changing myself so that I can be okay in another's eye. I changed my physique, my style of dressing, my behaviors, my interests. In reality, all I needed was to be okay with myself... how cliche. It was so hard for me to really understand what that meant. Yes, I had heard that over and over again from my sister, on TV, in magazines. It's weird how you can "know" something but not really understand it's true underlying message. I've come to many realizations over just the last couple years. I feel like I was just born, or awakened from a deep naive slumber. I've had to go through many experiences to get to where I am now with myself.

At the end of the day, I am grateful for every obstacle I've encountered along my way. I am thankful for the people, however beneficial or harmful they may have been, that have crossed my path. It is because of my past that I have blossomed into this beautiful, overall good, blessed woman today. 

I hope you enjoy getting to know me.

Loving & Being Loved

I think it's important for people to feel good about themselves. I don't understand why others enjoy putting people down, ridiculing, beating, taunting another...it's cruel. It's bullying. What good can come from that? We've all seen the negative effects. Some people are pushed too far to the extent of killing their abuser.
When i was young I was bullied often. I was a heavy set child with a lot of anger and built-in frustration issues that developed at home and only continued in school. Thankfully, I was not scared to punch a bitch. People could only verbally and mentally hurt me. Of course my emotions took the beating, and in turn their bodies answered for it. I wasn't scared to fight, boy or girl. I think because of my large size and my ability to fight back in some way at least people eventually backed off. Not everyone is lucky to have these situations resolve.
What kind of sick pleasure or comfort do people seek in return from hurting someone else? Why would you have to feast on another's sorrow in order to gain some kind of release? When I would witness someone trying to taunt another I would step in. Normally. Here and there I would get a thank you, but most often it was a "Why did you do that?" I didn't care if they appreciated it. I simply did not feel comfortable witnessing that. If they had a problem they could fight me, but no one ever did.
Personally, I get off by making people feel happy, joyful, even if it is subconsciously. My smile alone can be so uplifting. My hugs can be so comforting. I've received numerous compliments of gratitude from those around me. I've been told I can genuinely brighten up a person's spirit. If such simple acts can do so much good, imagine what we could achieve as a whole when we go even further by reaching out with a helping hand. It doesn't take much energy or effort to be nice, to be considerate of the other person, to be a decent person.
I live my days always trying to be positive. If not for someone else, then for myself. I'm not religious. I don't know if I'm set on the whole God, heaven, hell, Satan thing. All i know is that I am blessed. I am blessed to have been given these experiences and the support to overcome them. I am blessed to have grown and learned from them in such a way that I can in turn give back. I feel that despite the sinner I am, I am a kind-hearted person who is overall good. I hope people can realize the damage that is done by attacking another person. So many are effected, so few are saved. For the bullies out there, what can you really say about yourself? Do u feel good?
Bullying can have a life-long affect. I won't deny that to this day I struggle to overcome those same negative thoughts seeded into my mind in gradeschool, jr high, and throughout high school. It's important I continuously remind myself that FUCK 'EM. I know who I am. I know what I'm not. I know they are wrong. If you notice someone insecure, someone going through a hard time, all you have to do is smile, open your arms wide, hug them and hold it for a minimum of seven seconds. Hug them tightly, don't be scared or worried or think it awkward. Tell them softly you are glad to see them today, that you hope they have a FABULOUS fucking day, because they are fabulous, and you are there for them if they choose to seek you out.
As for you, have a fucking amazing time today! Be yourself, dont give mind to those that are hating on you. They probably need a hug and a smile. If willing, do it, give it to them. Make sure to strut your stuff ;)