Walking In Public

I walk almost everywhere when I go out.

Just a couple of years ago I was that girl you would pass by in halls or the street and would always look straight down to avoid eye contact. I felt like it wasn't necessary and had nothing to do with manners and/or politeness. I don't really know why but I felt like it was too intruding forcing eye contact onto another passer-byer. I won't deny the certain lack of confidence I had then either. Weirdly, I've begun to notice this same behavior in others more regularly as I walk past strangers.

Over the last year or so I've grown to accept the person I am. It was a confusing and troubling time. I didn't know what was going on nor how to react to it. I often asked myself if I was building confidence or becoming a conceited person. I'd like to think that it was the building block. I wouldn't consider myself conceited. I mean, I do often talk about myself, compliment myself, flatter myself, and well...you get the picture. All of this just recently started though. I was never the person to accept or believe in another person's positive remark towards me. I was definitely never the person who ever had a good thing to say about myself. I always told myself they were just trying to be nice and make me feel better, therefore it never worked. Now whenever someone has anything good to say about me, I know they are right and they are speaking honestly. It's still confusing though. Sometimes I feel vain. I feel like I am becoming a "mean girl" minus the mean. For instance, when I am told I am beautiful, I fully agree...to the max. I have a great smile, adorable dimples, lovely hair, beautiful eyes, a shapely body, and I must admit my personality just tops it off. Does this make me a confident person? Or would you judge me as conceited?

Well, whatever your response was, thank you. If it was positive, thank you. If it was negative, that's your opinion, but it doesn't affect me in any way. I lived most of my life unhappy with myself and if being happy with myself now makes me something bad in someone else's eyes I couldn't care less. I love my life. I love how I feel. I love how I see things. I love how I can walk down the block with my headphones on and just jam the whole way down, dancing and swaying like a crazy lady and not caring who's watching. I can be free to laugh loudly, to dance to music I've never heard in my life, to say hi with a large smile to every and any body who crosses my way and not look down. I can maintain eye contact. I walk with my head held high, my chest and chin up, and I think my booty even sticks out more; yes, that's what I said. It's crazy how I tortured myself for so long by caring. Once I was over caring, life was so much easier and so many doors opened for me.

As I was walking home today, I noticed that many people see me from a distance and stare. Men and women will just check me out for a good minute or so. Those last few feet we approach eachother, they are so quick to turn their glance. I don't know if somehow I intimidate them, or if it has nothing to do with me at all, but I can't help but remember the me from before. I've even initiated a plan to get them before they turn away. I'll just start smiling from afar and once we're about five to ten feet aways from eachother I'll either wave or say hi. I think I've made some people uncomfortable like that. Is that rude of me? Nonetheless, I am grateful that I was able to grow from that. It actually makes a difference you know? It makes a difference how you walk. It makes a difference if there's a sway to your step. It makes a difference if you're smiling, even if it is for nothing. Try it. Walk down the street and pretend that you are just awesome; do it briskly like you're on a mission, con animo! If you need that little encouragement put your headphones on and pick a playlist that just gets you in the greatest most dandiest mood of all; you know, the one you can grind to or just a good ol' hearted deep cleaning session at home. Walk as if you're a model in cognito, head held high, smile across your face so big that someone might wonder if you're listening to a really good joke on the other end of those headsets. If you're a woman move those curves don't be shy or embarrassed. People are going to check you out anyways. They are going to judge you anyways. Why not give them something good to look at, something to either praise or envy, something to either love or hate.